Friendship is an underrated influence in our lives.
It can carry us through difficult seasons.
It can validate us in different and important ways, compared to our romantic relationships.
It can offer a sense of family when we need it most.
And of course, like many things, friendship is subject to the seasons of life. It can change, like anything else, in ways that create distance or resilience.
So when we experience conflict in our friendships, we might feel confused or uncomfortable.
Why are we experiencing difficulty in a relationship that’s supposed to be more relaxed, or perhaps “easier”, than other relationships?
How do we handle the conflict in a way that is kind to ourselves, as well as the other person?
Conflict is hard, and it puts pressure on us no matter how good our “tools” are.
Growing up, many of us didn’t learn (and may have even been discouraged) to discuss difficult feelings — especially when those difficult feelings involved another person. Even if we had the desire to discuss difficult feelings or conflicts, we may not have had a safe space to do it. As a result, we learned to avoid conflict or lash out after bottling our feelings up. So, knowing that very few of us have had good “conflict education”, we can approach conflict with more compassion for ourselves and others.
We all have expectations, but we rarely express them.
The gap between expectation and expression, often leads to conflict. We expect people to know what we think is right. We expect other people to act in a way that makes sense to us. We expect other people to define things similarly, or assign the same amount of meaning to things. We expect people to have the same social cues as us. But each of us is operating out of our own story, and we aren’t always aware of our effects on others until someone says something.
People’s actions affect us because of our histories, needs, and desires.
People may not intend to hurt us, but we often interpret those actions as personal attacks because of our own stories. Certain things wound us more deeply than others, and our history with certain friends may make those wounds more or less likely to heal. Of course, there are some people that might hurt us intentionally, through a certain repeat behavior despite our expressed boundaries or desires. In those cases, if we remain in the friendship despite repeat transgressions, then even our decision to stay in those bonds might be rooted in our own stories (such as a fear of loss or abandonment).
So how do we clarify our feelings and decide on next steps?
The questions below serve this purpose, and can be used as journal prompts. Feel free to set a timer for 3 minutes per question, if that makes writing easier:
Is this type of conflict familiar to me in other relationships? Do I have wisdom from those conflicts that I can apply here?
How has this friendship weathered other challenges, and is there wisdom that can be (re)applied here?
What about this friendship has been valuable to me?
What about this friendship has been challenging for me?
If I reflect on my history with this person, has the friendship been more valuable or challenging for me?
Does this conflict represent a boundary that has been crossed, either for me or for the other person?
How clearly have I expressed my expectations in this friendship?
Is this a friendship that still fits with my life and the person I am (or that I’m becoming)?
What would my life look like without this friendship, if I were to lose it?
How can I be the kind of person I want to be in this conflict, regardless of the outcome of the friendship?
Notice that all of these questions focus on you, the individual, and what you can do in the situation. This puts power back in your hands, rather than assigning it to another person’s thoughts or behaviors.
When we focus on what’s in our hands, we stop waiting for someone to change; we stop assigning blame; we stop focusing on flaws. Instead, we act within our realm of control. We ground ourselves through our values. We act on those values. We imagine and prepare for different possible outcomes.
And in this way we move forward, resolving conflict with friends while nurturing the most important friendship of all:
The one we have with ourselves.